Why Sri Lanka needs to play an active role in volunteerism

According to the UN, volunteers are a vital part of our community. They have the capacity to enhance the quality of the work they are involved in and help to uplift our society. “It simply is not possible to attain the SDGs without a wide range of people engaged at all stages, at all levels, at all times. Volunteerism is a powerful means for bringing more people into the fold. “– UN. Volunteers are selfless, caring people who are willing to share their knowledge, skills, talents, experiences, resources as well as sacrifice their time for the betterment of our community. Anyone can be a volunteer in our society, be it a villager, a farmer or even a doctor or a teacher. Volunteering has no boundaries and therefore, everyone can take part in it.

The World Giving Index 2013 has ranked Sri Lanka to be in their top 10 list of countries that participate in volunteering.  Sri Lanka coming ranks second with a 46% of volunteer participation followed by the United States of America, Philippines and Myanmar. There are two types of volunteer organizations in Sri Lanka and about a hundred more small scale ones that are not registered but carried on in their respective communities and through social media. Namely they are formal volunteer groups like the United Nations and Rotaract and the other being informal volunteers which are privately carried out organizations that are not registered and done on a small scale. There are various volunteer groups for both humanitarian work as well as environmental conservation activities.

Why should you volunteer?

Even though you might have not acknowledged it or recognized it yet, you might have been already volunteering at a community event, at school or university or at a charity/donation campaign. Sri Lankans are not new to the concept of volunteering and our ancestors have been volunteering way before volunteerism even became a known concept. From a very small age we are taught the importance of helping each other, sharing, caring and the importance of giving. So, this is not a novelty for most Sri Lankans as they have been doing volunteering from a very small age. Some volunteering activities you might have taken part in your lifetime are organizing and taking part in blood donation campaigns, being a part of your school social service or welfare club, taking time to teach under privileged kids or anyone for free, organizing and taking part in beach clean ups and fostering puppies, helping out an old lady carry her bags, helping out a blind man cross the road, free medical check-ups, organizing vesak ‘dhansal’, spending time at an orphanage, at a senior citizens house or even a shelter for animals. These are only few of the things that I could mention which you might have done for free without expecting anything in return and never even acknowledged the fact it is a voluntary cause because we are still novel to the word “volunteering” but not to the act of volunteering.

Benefits of volunteering;

Benefits of volunteering that are common for all are personality development, character development, exposure to society, new experiences, understanding of different communities and cultures, tolerance when working with groups, leadership skill improvement, skills and personal talent enhancement and growth, unity and team work learning, understanding to respect others and to work in different environments, creates new friendships and relationships, brings joy and happiness, gives satisfaction, helps for physical and emotional growth.

Who can volunteer?

1. Volunteerism for children

Volunteering from a very small age can help in building important qualities in a child such as sharing, caring, respecting, giving and the value of taking care of each other. This can help mould the child to be a respected and a valued citizen in the future that will take care of the society.

Children are very easy to manipulate and can be easily brainwashed, therefore they are easy targets of wrong and misunderstanding content through media and the environment they grow up in. Volunteering can help them learn valuable lessons that they won’t learn through books which they can develop over time.

2. Volunteerism for the youth

Youth are a very important part of any society because of the energy they carry as well as the young determination in them and the constant need to validate their actions. They are a group of individuals in our society trying to find their rightful place in this world and free floating from one activity to another in search of who they are and their purpose. Volunteering can help them identify their flaws and in what they excel in and give them an understanding on what type of a person they are, while helping them learn team work skills and other skills that would come useful for their careers. Youth have the energy volunteerism needs and the youth have the want to be a part of something as well. So, this can help them understand who they are while helping out the community creating a win-win situation.

3. Volunteerism for employees

Working in an office or a job requires a certain set of skills that they don’t teach you in universities or schools. They need to be learned through experiences or through social interactions. Volunteering gives everyone this opportunity. While doing a job you can meet new people, create new connections, reduce social anxiety and be more outgoing, confident in day-to-day activities, learn about new things, gain a lot of experiences, helps reduce work or home stress and gives a balance in life. This overall change in one’s personality can make him or her go into new ventures and get promotions at work place and have a more pleasant life.

4. Volunteerism for women

Women of any age, race, religion and in any condition have the ability to volunteer. Working women can help share their knowledge with others and help them come to a better level than they were previously and housewives if they have ample time to spend can help volunteer at a local school to teach under-privileged kids and or to share whatever they have to share with unemployed women and youth. Be it knitting, sewing, cooking, teaching, or any skill they have so unemployed women and youth can get a job to live by. Women who adore kids can help foster kids or volunteer in child orphanages and child rehabilitating centers because all kids in them are deprived of a mother’s love and if someone can give them attention and spend some time with them, that itself could make their day.

5. Volunteerism for unemployed citizens

In Sri Lanka there’s an average of 7.76% of unemployment rate which is 420,231 unemployed persons by 2019. This affects the growth of our economy very negatively and causes high tax rates and high compensations to take care of the unemployed. The government and the necessary officials can take part in making sure the unemployed people of our country can contribute to the country’s economy by engaging them in volunteering activities. This can reduce the crime rate in Sri Lanka, increase literacy levels and bring a massive awareness to volunteerism. Giving them opportunities to engage in these will make them feel involved in the country’s development as well as having volunteer awards even on a local level can make them feel motivated and recognized.

6. Volunteerism for the elderly

The elderly or the senior citizens in Sri Lanka are from the age of 60+ and it is the general retiring age for most people from their jobs. After retiring most people tend to get depressed and lonely due to the lack of activities and the lack of human interactions and it could be a painful transition for them to settle down to be home all day and to do nothing. These people have the most amounts of experience considering their age and years of work. They have plenty to share with the rest of the world but they are hardly given a chance to engage in community work and volunteering activities due to their age or their inability to work as fast as the youth can. But they might be the ones with the most amount of knowledge to share. Engaging them in volunteer work can make them feel appreciated, valued and recognized rather than being ignored. This could help uplift our society as well as give the elderly a chance to feel content with their life after retiring.

7. Volunteerism for the disabled

The disabled are of two types. Mentally disabled and the physically disabled. Disabled people only feel disabled when they and we both keep on stressing on the fact that they are different from us. They too need to feel normal and not constantly looked down for being different.

There are people who are born with physical or mental deformities. Then there are the one’s who became disabled due to the war like disabled soldiers or the ones who have got into accidents. All these people want to be included in the society and to feel that they are needed and appreciated for their work. Disabled soldiers have many talents that can be shared with the youth and everyone around them. They only need a chance at it to come out of their shell and to start their lives over. Volunteerism can help them make an identity for themselves other than the label our society gives them for being disabled.

Mentally disabled people too can take part in volunteering and learn new skills or showcase their talents and get more exposure to the society which will help their minds immensely.

8. Volunteerism for sexual minorities

Though this is a controversial topic, it is understandably clear that they are in fact a marginalized group in Sri Lanka and since there is such a group present, they too should participate in volunteering. They can volunteer to help uplift our community by engaging in activities that they are passionate about. They can even volunteer to help out other marginalized groups since they can understand each other’s situation a bit more than the others and be empathetic to marginalized groups like themselves. This can help them make new friends, create new relationships and make a good impression on others, while giving them a chance to learn to be more confident, outgoing and to not backdown and hide their talents because of criticism.

9. Volunteerism for under-privileged kids

Majority of the time kids in the western province or kids who get to go to schools that are considered to be well off get the chance to volunteer in most of the volunteering activities. Which leaves kids who go to schools in the other parts of Sri Lanka at a disadvantage. The main reason being, almost all volunteering organizations are located around Colombo or in the western province. The lack of information about volunteering organizations and the lack of island wide presence can lead to a lack of participation in voluntary activities. So, giving the under privileged kids in other parts of Sri Lanka a chance to volunteer somewhere out of their hometowns not only will make them learn new skills and knowledge but also get a good exposure to different societies and give them hopes of a better future through better education.

The Simple Joys of Life

Life is a tumultuous journey for all creatures walking the face of the earth. It is a race for survival and existence, but with time the needs and wants of man have evolved drastically effecting a boost in non-essential items and luxuries that can only be accessed by the wealthy or the more affluent people of our society. The world has become a very unjust, and biased place to survive in terms of financially and ethically as well. Among all the chaos of the world, people have become engrossed in a futile rat race. Chasing after what we believe to be happiness, pursuing tales and fabrications made by the world around us, and ultimately realizing all is in vain and happiness is not just a matter of materialistic pleasure but it involves a lot of spiritual and mental satisfaction and gratitude as well.

We too are part of this vicious circle of life, where we will only come to realize our trifling struggles throughout our lifetime have gotten us nothing but the bitterness at the end of the day for not living life to its best while we could have. A quote that touched me in ways that none others have is “Carpe Diem” also known as ‘seize the day’ by the infamous movie ‘The Dead Poet’s Society’. Many quotes and sayings emphasize the need to live in the moment and enjoying the moment your experiencing. But the absolute ignorance we give to the simple joys and pleasures in life is detrimental to our well-being and how we will devise our future.

The words “mysa” and “hygge” are two words that reveal the pure delights in life elegantly. “mysa” is a Swedish word to express the pleasure and comfort of being at home, then the term “hygge” defines the act of enjoying simple things in life that we overlook on a day-to-day basis because of our bustling lifestyles. What have we taken for granted as a human being? In simple terms, Everything. We as humans take everything that comes our way for granted. Be it the air we breathe, the water we drink, the food we ingest, and the people we encounter. If you’re a busy individual going back and forth from work and home to different places you would barely have time to appreciate the company of your family, loved ones, and to have some tranquil moment for yourself. You would be longing for a chance to be home. But when you are granted the chance to linger at home as a result of the current pandemic you would have an abundance of unoccupied time in your hands to do whatever your heart pleases. But yet you would be yearning to go out and get back to your hectic lifestyle as you are wary of being home. The proverb “absence makes the heart grow fonder” fits the context perfectly as we tend to crave for things when we lose them, that is a consequence of taking things for granted while we have them. During the pandemic majority of us are desiring a particular form of living before the pandemic. It could be going out to meet friends, going to work, school, university, going to purchase groceries, not fretting about wearing masks, sanitizing and social distancing continually, the simple privilege of going out of your house are things we have taken granted though we did not realize. Being inside locked doors for a long period may have ignited a spark of curiosity in you to follow your heart and engage in leisurely activities that you did not have the time to do before the pandemic. Taking time to prepare your meals, read a book, listen to music without any interruption, compose a painting, watch a movie, exerting time to attend to your loved ones and spend quality time with them, enjoying a cup of tea or coffee in the chilly morning are things that you can start appreciating every day instead of looking forward to spending extravagantly to gain a momentary sense of happiness. Understanding happiness, content, and comfort can be reached at any place, even at the comfort of your own home by yourself is vital for the personal and spiritual growth of a person.

An act of appreciating and being grateful for the meal that is put in front can be seen in the Japanese culture. The Japanese will use the term “Itadakimasu” before each meal which simply means “to eat and receive”. This is an imperative part of Japanese culture to thank everything and everyone involved in the preparation of a meal. Another part of the society that says thankyou before a meal is Christians. They would proceed to say Grace before or after a meal to acknowledge and appreciate the meal. These are acts of gratitude that we as humans should incorporate in our lifestyles. This does not mean we need to serve these exact procedures but we can start appreciating the effort that takes to put a meal on the table three times a day every day to keep us alive and healthy. To appreciate the cup of coffee you drink every morning to feel awake. What we don’t see is the process that takes to manufacture the ingredients for your meal or your coffee and the long hours it takes to be harvested, prepared, distributed, stored in hygiene conditions fit for consumption takes up to months and the process requires a lot of laborers along the way to create your daily life much more pleasant. Once you start noticing the efforts put by everyone involved in making you that cup of tea to the point you drink it, you will not look at life the same way you viewed it earlier.

Minimalism became a life-altering movement in recent years because of characters like Marie Kondo who came up with the Konmari method of decluttering that took the world by surprise. This method had been practiced from the early days in East Asia as a lifestyle though it was given recognition much later in the years. Though at present there are many adaptations of minimalism and incentives for taking part in this lifestyle, being a minimalist allows a person to be grateful at the utmost level to the items they possess. A minimalistic lifestyle empowers you to have the bare essentials and to de-clutter constantly. This means you can only own the things that you would use daily and donate or discard things you have not utilized. This would result in owning a minimum number of items in a household and therefore raising the value of each item. Being grateful even for the smallest thing in life can be a beneficial step to perceive life. It would open your eyes to an unconventional approach of perceiving. ‘The Monk who sold his Ferrari’ by Robert Sharma and the ‘Alchemist’ by Paulo Coelho are two books that remind me of being content with simple joys in life that would make excellent readings to transform the way you view life.

Sapiosexuals

What is sapiosexual? In a generation where the term sapiosexual is being thrown around like confetti, it is best to pause and retrace the steps to the origin of the word. Sapiosexual is a person who is drawn by the intelligence, knowledge, sagacity a person possesses. These people are not attracted by corporeal images, disposition, or any other peculiarity but solely from the complex forms of evaluating a person begets. Their version of foreplay can be a steamy debate or a profound and meaningful conversation. The catchword came to the limelight in the mid-year of 2014 on a talk show addressing attraction and relationships. Ever since then many individuals have been utilizing the word in various contexts in their private and public life. From candidly replacing their profile bio to a sapiosexual related quote or by dropping the “S” bomb on a first date. This can be beneficial for a partner who’s the ideal person should be a being of intellect but then again in my opinion it can be a sign of a red flag.

Why would someone blatantly express of them being a sapiosexual when they meet anyone new without verifying who they are by engaging in an intriguing conversation? When people tend to be straight forward by using terms as such it seems very pretentious and hence raises all my red flags about a person’s authenticity. Keeping my doubts and inquiries about such people aside for a while, I will draw my attention to the psychology behind such attractions. If we go into an in-depth analysis of attraction there are diverse psychological, scientific, fictitious, ancestral, cultural beliefs of forms of attractions including the recently brought out theory of the law of attraction. Scientific research shows that it can be a form of natural selection for reproduction which is the fundamental basis of Darwin’s theory. On the other hand, it can be a mere fascination for smart and talented people in general. If it was up to me to furnish an interpretation it would be the necessity to have a partner who is capable of holding an engaging and stimulating conversation, discussion, or even a very disputatious debate over a political, sociological, etc matter. Having a great physique can be one person’s cup of tea but it’s not mine, possessing a unique personality can be intriguing… for a while as it too can vary but what is timeless in my evaluation is a person who is constantly in the quest for knowledge, insatiable thirst, and greed for answers. This, in the long run, devises and maintains conversations and when seeing myself in a 10 or 20 year’s time I do not see myself not being able to sustain an open-minded discussion with the person I would claim to relish.

In a context where I grew up being able to have long conversations that are both argumentative and insightful with my father on a daily basis, I truly enjoy a person who is able to fill me up with unconventional ideologies that would raise my eyebrows. As a child seeing all my father’s ideologies being scrutinized by everyone around him made me question a lot of things but growing up with such clashing opinions made me immune to radical notions making me crave to hunt for more facts, information, or even people that would give me that feeling of thrill, rush and excitement of being in non-stereotypical conversations. Being able to hold such conversations requires a lot of research and study as well as a unique set of exposure which makes encountering people who have that sort of mentality arduous to discover. It is fairly true that wisdom and experience come with maturity because there is hardly anyone in my age category I can relate to or build a relationship in such a manner. Therefore, making people who have such a mentality, especially men a luxury.

Concluding this I will deliver a brief quotation from a tale I read of the destitute yet the very relatable narrative of Othello by William Shakespeare. Despite Othello being an aged moor ( African in a racist society) and Desdemona being the Senator’s daughter who is more than half the age younger to Othello fell in love with Othello.
“My heart’s subdued
Even to the very quality of my lord:
I saw Othello’s visage in his mind,
And to his honor and his valiant parts
Did I my soul and fortunes consecrate”

She candidly speaks out to his father about the reason she fell in love with the Moor. She saw his face in his mind as said by the third line of the quote. A young lady reared in a society where all the gentlemen had curly blonde hair, blue eyes, and rosy lips she fell in love with the dark, tall and wise man who can enthral her with all his life experiences.

Romanticizing Parenthood

“Not everyone is fit to be a parent in a society where parenthood is idealized, romanticized, and encouraged.”

Biologically speaking, parenthood and procreation are inevitable and substantial among humans and all living beings. This is what sustains a species and safeguard it from becoming extinct. This is the plight for most species excluding humans at present. The fear of going extinct should be not in humans’ minds but of the thousands of animals and plants driven to the brink of extinction daily by humans. Yet, here we are, multiplying by the very second at an unprecedented rate. So why do we, humans, have the dire need to breed? The answers could vary from “I love kids,” “We need to preserve our race/ethnicity,” “I need to pass down my family name,” “Just because that’s what’s expected of a person,” to the most cliche answer, “An investment, Who is going to take care of me when I’m older.” Even if you did ask your self as to why you would require a child of your own, did you question for a second is it because we, as humans, need to procreate because we are at the brink of extinction, or is it because this is what’s expected of you from the society? The intention of this is not to bash those who have children or to tell anyone the futility of the modernized social construct of the term “Family.” It’s mainly to reiterate how much we have deviated from the pragmatic purposes of producing or needing children to become creatures who follow an unintentionally established system in our society.

It is the norm for our grandparents’ generations to produce a lot of children. This was mainly due to two reasons. Firstly, they believed in the concept of large families; secondly, lack of understanding/availability of birth control. Though many people opt for various lifestyles, such as celibacy, adoption, not have children, etc., society is not ready to accept change just yet. At present, we have no concerns about humans falling into extinction, but on the contrary, we face a crisis with overpopulation. But, the segregated mentality within us — cultural, racial, ethnic differences-drives humans to preserve their race so as not to be outnumbered by another race. All of these analyses combined are sufficient to attest how much of a selfish act we play in parenthood’s romanticized ideology. This brings me to the central statement of the article, “Every child deserves parents, but not all parents deserve children.” The most cliche response I have seen most people give is, “I did not ask to be born, so why am I alive?” A pro-lifer might disagree with this statement, but there is a certain sense of truth to it. Hence why I call the current trend of having a family is solely on selfish desires. Each child’s life growing up in a family is different; therefore, this statement cannot be generalized. There’s an array of reasons why every woman under the sun is not fit to be a mother and why every man is not fit to be a father, yet our society expects everyone to be so. How is that going to work out?. Some children are born out of wedlock or through unfortunate circumstances, which leads them to be in foster care and face many hardships. Those classifications would not be addressed here as I solely focus on the parents who deliberately plan and produce kids. All of us were raised by a parent(s) or at least a parental figure. This could be a grandparent, elder sibling, relatives, or all of them, as some sayings say, “it takes a village to raise a child.” If you’re a younger sibling, congrats! You might have got parented by not just your parents but your older sibling(s) too.

At least in my case, I like to shove my little brother around as If I’m the shepherd, and he’s the sheep. Not all siblings might be able to relate to this (and I know that for a fact as I did a mini-survey and found out not everyone shares the same opinions on sibling relationships), but according to the psychology of birth order, the older sibling is generally more responsible and has mature attributes compared to the carefree, rebellious nature of a younger sibling. This is quite apparent in me and my brother’s relationship (apart from the significant age gap and him being a complete ass, and my constant longings to ship him off to Mars along with all the other younger brothers until they are of mature age). The survey I carried out gave an array of responses, which got me thinking about why and how these platonic relationships differ from person to person. Sibling relationships are one of the few ways one can examine to get an idea of how they are being raised inside a family, behind closed doors. Another way is the mentality of the individual. The various means he/she functions in public and private settings, their relationships with other people all reflect their upbringing — for example, extreme independence, the “lone wolf” attributes, fear of commitment, fear of relationships (platonic or love), interpersonal relationships, too much of secrecy or privacy, constant worry (over-analyzing), insecurities, anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, self-doubt, uncontrollable anger, weight gain, and weight loss, specific fears, insomnia, are all a few of the ways we as adults portray childhood unhealed trauma. “Unhealed” trauma is complex as the person might still be foreign to the fact that they have been affected by their childhood traumas or have not come to terms with solving them. There are several ways (by several, I mean so many ways) grown adults portray their unhealed childhood trauma. When I say trauma, do not misunderstand it for just the life-altering events in your life. But unhealed trauma can be caused by something as small as a simple yet powerful sentence like, “You are stupid.” One of the tragic ways adults suppress or hide their past, the feeling of nostalgia or even the pain, is through work. Workaholics, therefore, have a higher tendency to have a rough childhood. So, to bring the whole point of the narrative back to the present, Romanticizing parenthood is toxic for this core reason. Most childhood trauma is a product of the parent(s) or the parental figure, followed by childhood bullies. If the origin of a child’s upbringing is of a peaceful and healthy setting, there is a huge possibility for the child to push through all other obstacles with the help of his/her family. But when the main issue lies within the family itself, then the child becomes helpless. This is when the quote “Every child deserves a parent, but not all parents deserve a child” applies. Unfortunately, not every person is equipped to be a parent. This is what our society can’t understand. It shouldn’t be “do you want to raise a child?”; it should be “can you raise a child?”

Pulse.lk had two separate videos on parenting which was quite insightful. The two videos interviewed people of two social levels — one with affluent, well-educated celebrity figures and the other average citizens. The questions asked by both classes were quite similar, but the answers were like day and night. The interview with the celebrity figures addressed the necessity of being a good parental role model to the children, focusing more on their emotional development and well-being, giving them their desired freedom, and many more psychologically backed up parental hacks. The average citizen’s responses focused on the child’s education; “knowledge is power” centric thought process, and to make the child a good citizen. When questioned where they learned to parent, they stated they learned through their parents, people around them, and grandparents. In hindsight, there is nothing wrong with either one of these categories. Both groups want the best for their children. But here we see that how we learn to be a parent is through a parent, there is a higher chance of us making the same mistakes as they did because you were too busy making babies. This is where the generational toxicity is passed through. You and I both might be unaware of these generational cycles since we are subjected to see and feel them on a daily basis. But according to psychological studies on childhood trauma and what causes them, these are a few of the reasons,

• Parents who have gone through psychological distress are more likely to mistreat their children unintentionally. (Hence my theory on generational toxic cycles)
• Irrational and uneducated beliefs of parents hinder the opinions, growth, and freedom of children.
• Physical punishments — that leaves scars, bruises ( Some of you might say, “My mom, dad, and my whole ancestry used to hit me with everything, even with the polkatu handa, but I turned out fine. All I have to ask is, “ARE YOU OK?”)
• Unhealthy comparisons — Why can’t you be like you’re akka? Why can’t you be like nandage putha? The neighbor’s haraka works more than you! (tsk tsk it’s never enough for them) Comparing siblings can lead to ultimately resenting them and creating unhealthy bonds with them.
• Verbally abusive statements: You’re stupid, You’re incompetent, You’re useless.
• Threatening with abandonment — This is very common among parents who have toddlers. And the worst part is sometimes they do this just for fun. At the end of a visit how many of your drunk uncles and nosy aunties had asked to take your malli or nangi away? Me and my brother might be at each other’s throats every second but still, I would stab anyone who tries to take him away from me.
• Threatening with depriving them of their happiness — This might be the most common punishment or controlling method followed by almost every parental figure. Low grades? No tv, no phone, no going-out, no calls. Didn’t do the chores? No tv, no phone, no friends over, etc. Stomachache? No phone. Problems apparently disintegrate when you limit your kid’s happiness.
• Empty promises — “If you do this, I will get you that” but the failure to keep up the promise will over time cause the child to completely lose trust in the most important person in his life and this will go on to impact all of their future relationships as well. The beginning of a “trust issue” saga. Like the memes say, “Mom can we stop at Mcdonalds? No, we have food at home. *the food at home — parippu and rice*
• Blaming the child for the parent’s downfall and playing the victim card — we forget that parents are humans too and therefore they are dealing with their own battles and demons. But they have the choice to choose whether to pass this on to my child and traumatize him or to change. If you know you can’t change, you should not have a child, because they are not your punching bag( theoretically and metaphorically).
• Shutting down the kids when questioning or being curious — This is one of the worst things a parent or any elder can do to a growing child. Children are so curious about everything. Shushing them is like silencing them forever. I read about how a child was shushed for singing by her exhausted mother after a long workday and this affected her so much. Until her late 30s, she never had the courage to sing out loud. It’s the small things that make the biggest differences. The sole reason I never hug her/ hug her back (my mom) is that when she was pregnant with my brother I went for a hug, but perhaps because of her mood swings she shrugged me off, and the pain of being rejected as a child yearning for a hug was enough for me to never ever hug her again. Hence, little things, almost every little thing parents/parental figures do unintentionally or intentionally makes lasting impacts.
• Overly demanding — You got 99 for the paper and they would still fry your brains for that one mark you lost. Also known as tiger parenting. They push you to your boundaries until you break.
• Belittling you — Sometimes parents have a hard time seeing you as a grown adult even if you’re in your 40s. This negatively impacts when they mock your beliefs and wouldn’t let you make your own decisions. In their eyes, you will always be the nappy-wearing, thumb-sucking kid.

It is not just by these methods parents can mentally, emotionally, and psychologically fuck your brains, but also through very discreet and subtle ways that even you won’t notice.

• Smothering, overprotecting, creating the child fully dependable on the parents
• Role reversal — Where the eldest sibling has to take the responsibilities of being the mature one. ( This can happen due to many reasons, but it could really affect her and her childhood/youth)
• Good parent/ bad parent — Good in public, the evil behind closed doors. Only the child will experience the two shifts within the same person.
• Secret rivalry — when the parent sees the child as a rival.

To sum it up, parenthood is great. Great for those who know what they are getting into, before choosing to have children. Because of the society, we live in almost everyone is expected to have a stereotypical lifestyle. This is like a pre-programmed blueprint for all. You go to school, get a degree, get a job, get married, have kids, now tend your whole life to kids. For almost half of the living years or more, all a person do is study, get academic qualifications to improve their career life. There would be a short period where you can do as you wish and for some, it is straight to making babies after graduation. This is the life cycle we are used to, we are exposed to. We don’t know why we do it, but we do it anyway. Since this is what every tom and dick out there is doing, it is natural for people to romanticize this messed-up life. It is a bleak silver lining in a stormy cloud. But does that do justice to the unborn child? Who will have to face the same childhood trauma that was passed down for generations? I have rarely seen people take a step back to think if they are suitable, emotionally capable to raise children. The main deciding factors are usually finances, career, a place to live, etc. We are living in an era where children are essential to complete the term “family”. They are essential in a marriage. The concept of having children is like having pets or objects, it is very normalized. The depth of the responsibility is missing. This is by no means saying we are incapable of procreating. It’s a matter of ending generational toxic cycles. Challenging yourself to change for the better. Learn, grow and adapt. But this by no means bashing the parents we have, it is merely a learning process of trial and error. And on that note of parenting, I’m going to toot my own horn by stating elder sister’s too should earn a medal for taking on the acting role of mother, peacemaker, teacher, and occasional serial killer, and if that sister happens to have a younger brother, she should earn the Nobel Peace Prize and the patience prize (they should have one specifically for showcasing outstanding patience because younger brothers <<<< Younger sisters).

Ending with a quote under the comments section on a Tedx Talk on “How did your parents mess up?” — “My mother is a good role model…..She’s everything I don’t want to become.” ( Substitute “mother” to anyone in your life growing up).