Why we are who we are – An analysis on eroticism and pornography

Hooked on a never-ending quest for who we are, I’m going to tell you that you and I are not much different from an ape or a canine. Keyword “not much”. One could argue there’s so much that separates us, humans, from animals. The title itself speaks volumes as we have adapted three variants to one simple outcome, “Sex”. At the end of the day Sexuality, Eroticism, and pornography reveals the carnal instincts within humans, which is one of the driving factors for all creatures on Earth. Understanding one’s expression of sexuality in itself can be empowering. Though the three elements stated in the title discuss one shared motive, the process of executing and performing of all three is very dissimilar and has its uniquity.

Sex, Love, Lust, Sexual expression, and Sensuality are matters that have been in question and of discussion throughout the years. One such infamous person to shed some light on this matter is Sigmund Freud. Though some of his arguments and theories are far from reality and practicality, he was able to open new pathways of study. Few of his discoveries are controversial yet make sense when taken as a part of the bigger picture.

1. “Sexuality Is Everyone’s Weakness — and Strength” — Since the beginning of humankind, sexual orientation and sexuality has been one of the sole reasons for major gender divisions and gender-biased job formations. Sex in itself is power. Be it on the bed, in society, or the wild. The one who initiates and the one who controls has the power to get what they want. Be it to satiate their sexual needs, to gain benefits (socially or financially), to play with the power dynamics in a relationship, and to reclaim the dominancy, sex has been and is in use as a weapon. This can either empower or destroy a person depending on the circumstances.

2. “Every Part of the Body Is Erotic” — Freud implied that human beings were sexual from the very beginning. From the days of breastfeeding up until adulthood, there is a sexual drive within all human beings. This reminds me of the well-articulated discourse Seema Anand performed on the “Art of Seduction” on a TEDx forum. She takes references from Ananga Ranga or Kamaledhiplava, which is an Indian sex manual written by ‘Kalyana Malla’ in the 15th or 16th century. Just like Freud, the Indian born storyteller Seema Ananda discreetly explains the subtle yet varied ways of seduction, or in common terminology methods of “turn-on’s”. She further explains the different erogenous zones and the relationships they have with the phases of the moon. In simpler terms, any part of the human body can be erotic.

3. “Fantasy Is an Important Factor in Sexual Excitement” — Needless to go into detail on this, as it is not a secret how much of a vital role our imagination plays to conceive the feeling of being “in the seventh heaven”.

Freudian’s theory in comparison to Carl Jung’s ideologies dispenses contrasting beliefs as well as similarities on a platonic level. While Freud expressed his ideologies on Sex, Love, and sexuality with real-life cases, and analysis of psycho-social behaviors, Jung approached love, sex, and relationships on a more spiritual and philosophical level. Though he excels in the fields of anthropology and a psychoanalyst when it comes to the topic of love, he gravitates more towards philosophy.

“The sexuality of man is more earthly, that of the woman is more spiritual. The spirituality of man is more heavenly, it moves toward the greater.” — Carl Jung, Liber Novus, Page 353.

“We can only become real by accepting our sexuality and not denying it through saintliness.” — Carl Jung.

He takes references from spirituality, religion, and philosophy to express the relationship between a man and a woman. He creates parallels of love to the heavens and the spiritual aspect of the universe implying the existence of a greater depth to the bond shared between two people.

On the topic of love, after browsing through a few of the ideologies and viewpoints of these scholars, I rounded up love into three categories. These can be viewed as different variants of love in a sexual partnership. The first type of love is probably the most common out of all three. It is the love we see commonly among humans and animals. The need to reproduce and the pressure to pass down genes are at the forefront of this partnership. This is a primitive and natural behavior in both animals and humans to ensure the survival of all living beings. In the animal world, we don’t see an attraction beyond the need to reproduce, and the process of finding a suitable mating partner is through an elimination process where the fittest and the strongest gets the chance to pass down their genes. In simpler terms, this is what Darwin explained by natural selection. The human version of love is somewhat similar to that too since most people when in a relationship goes through a process of elimination to choose the best partner for them. People in their mid to late 20s and 30s would usually be in a rush to find a suitable partner to avoid their “lady nuts expiring” and “the joysticks from malfunctioning”.

The second variant of love leans towards a hormonal attraction. This is the person who is in love with the idea of love. He or she is in love with love. It is the desire to be in the honeymoon phase continuously and it would most probably be very short-lived. It’s a state of being high on pleasure and can be paralleled to the feeling of a high one get from an aphrodisiac. Like when consuming chocolate or smelling of vanilla perfume.

The third is a more complex kind of attraction. This attraction is a result of falling in love with the mind, an appreciation of their existence, and agreeing to be a work in progress to uplift each other’s spirits, minds, bodies, and souls. The need to reproduce might be the last thing playing on their minds’ or would not be in the picture at all. Hence, it is not the equivalent of the first kind of love. Since there is an understanding between the two on what each other desires in life there is the possibility to partner up amidst the differences and compromise to work alongside the dissimilarities, knowing very well that there will be ups and downs in the said relationship. Unlike the forever happy-go-lucky honeymoon phase that was expected in the second variant of love, this outshines all sorts of love.

Just like the different variants of love, there are numerous ways of expressing love and attraction. The numerous facets of eroticism and sensuality, also known as sex allow a person to freely express their innermost desires and feelings. On the topic of eroticism and pornography, the double standards between them will forever be in debate. When discussing these two aspects side by side, most would point out the similarities, yet one sounds very sensual, appealing, and even quite romantic and the other a bit on the vulgar side and straight forward. Yet there are the subtle inconsistencies that make a world of a difference. Both would claim to be a form of art or performance but is it? The very well-known form of sexual display, that is pornography, is pretty straightforward and is meant for one purpose, which is to act as a medium of pleasure both for the viewer and the performer, and it gets straight to the point. The act of eroticism is much different in that aspect as it is a subtle and erotic approach compared to the other. Most of the time, in eroticism, there will only be subtleties of foreplay and the erotic depiction of the human body.

There are several types of eroticism. This includes erotica, erotic romance, erotic literature, erotic art, and erotic photography. Though the expression of passion, sensuality, and lust in the form of art is admired and even encouraged in many cultures there is a considerable amount of backlash from the majority at present in Sri Lanka. This is quite ironic considering the notorious history Sri Lanka had in the field of erotic performances, art, and erotic literature. One of the examples taken from history is the music composed by Ananda Samarakoon after being inspired by Tagore. In his work, “Endada Manike” Samarakoon incorporated the Indian goddess Saraswati as she assumes the disguise of a young woman. Enchanted by her beauty, a young man attempts to woo her. He invites her to come into the river to pluck flowers and the dialogue takes on a tone of eroticism when the girl’s white dress becomes wet. Yet the song remains appealing because of the subtle usage of words and the mild language. One of the lyrics is as follows, “In my next birth may I become the honeybee that drinks the flower’s pollen” the specialty of erotic composition during that time and now is the usage of language in the most subtle form. “As Ranjini Obeyesekere explains, “Love poetry or poems evoking śṛngāra rasa (erotic mood) were a well-known feature of classical Sinhalese poetry.” One could even argue that the core principles most deem as sacred in terms of religion, for example, the infamous Kusa Jataka tale carries erotic denotations. Though visual erotica can be appealing, there is so much room for imagination and improvement in the genre of erotic literature. This is similar to romance but has a much sensual and passionate approach in comparison to raunchy novels or straight up smut.

There is much room for growth and to explore in the field of eroticism. Just like the many love languages, such as acts of service, touch, and affirmations, there are various erotic/ sexual languages as well as said by the ONNA journal. According to her, there are five blueprints for erotic love language.

The 5 Erotic Blueprints are:

• Energetic
• Sensual
• Sexual
• Kinky
• Shape Shifter

Apart from these, there are many ways one can express oneself sexually. But why does it matter? Because it is what makes us human, it is one of the things that differentiates us as well as unites us from the animals, it is what makes us incomparable to the other humans. The unique approaches each one of us has towards these factors and how we perceive all these and incorporate them into our lives makes us who we are at the end of the day. Be it the way one performs on the bed, behind closed doors, or the way one flirts, it all indicates the knowledge one has on this matter and their own unique preferences which adds a bit of flavor to a mundane relationship. This creates one’s identity and personality.

Since this is an extremely broad subject matter this is an article that skimmed over the very top layer of the components.

The Moon

An astronomical body that levitates thousands of light-years away from Earth has shifted to be the center of attention in most cultures and traditions. Generally, the moon is recognized to be a symbol of femininity. Hence, in many anecdotes, the moon is referred to as a “she.” In France, the moon is called “La Lune” where the “La” means Her.

From a very young age, we were unintentionally taught to appreciate the moon. Growing up we were exposed to a lot of performances, melodies, and animations revolved around the moon. Parents with small children love to take their kids out at night, point at the sky, and tell the tale about the little rabbit on the moon. As a kid, I was very intrigued and plagued by many questions. Such as how did the rabbit get there? How huge must he be if we can see him from Earth? Is he alone? and if so, does he feel lonely? Why doesn’t he have any friends? and I was further confused when I overheard the song about a “Handa mama.” How do both live there if the rabbit is as big as half the moon? The mysteries only kept on multiplying each passing day. Another uncanny way I recall the moon is how my parents kept me and my brother occupied during late-night car rides by directing us to gaze at the moon and to see how the moon is following us. My brother and I would drop our heads out the window and get amazed every time we see the moon through the trees and wonder why it’s stalking us.

Religiously too we are tied to the moon as we usually celebrate Poya days around the full moon. The moonstone is another piece that is culturally appreciated, which was inspired by the moon. The Karava flag too denotes a Sun and Moon to symbolize their dynasties and origin in Sri Lanka. There is a considerable amount of debate encompassing the impact of the moon on humans and nature. There are various hypotheses to everything around us. We may never uncover the truth, but what we can do is to consolidate and speculate until the end of time and bask in the bliss of at least trying to learn the truth rather than do zilch about it. For some, comprehending and appreciating something as trivial as what I am discerning may seem absurd, and would most probably think, “Where ignorance is bliss, ’tis folly to be wise.” Yet, I find the utmost joy and satisfaction in reading into “superficial” matters. Regardless of these dilemmas, it is safe to say most people enjoy basking in the moonlight. At least, I hope they do, because it is by far one of the most delightful ambiances.

Many scientific pieces of research have proved a change in animal, human, and atmospheric fluctuations during a full moon and at night-time. One of the most frequent variations in nature that occurs with the changing moon is the “Tide” effects. Also known as the high and low tides. This phenomenon is quite common and can appear once a month or every night, depending on the placement of the country. Apart from the sea tides, earth tides too occur during full moons, which we hardly sense. Another peculiar study shows the changes in the animal world around the time of the full moon. This includes scorpions exuding a blue color because of the moonlight’s reflection, and corals making the beast with the two backs at an extraordinary pace. This reminds me of a tale I was told as a child by my grandparents. It was that the canines and the wild foxes in the backyard howl at the full moon, to imply that they have captured their prey for the night. Little me would fall into a terrible slumber as I would dream of all the viable ways, they are ripping apart their victim and also contemplating if they would break in and drag my little brother away too. Maybe it is these narratives or the shows such as the White fang that later in my adolescent years got me hooked on reading fantasy fiction. Specifically, on werewolves. Though the concept of werewolves is solely based on mythology, their whole realm revolves around the existence of the moon. Werewolves, the creatures of the night, are said to be created by the moon goddess. A whimsical goddess who I envisioned to have long silver hair has been an icon of the moon and mythology for a long time. The mythology of lycanthropes is closely weaved with the moon. It is said in some tales that these changelings are the most active around a full moon, which might be one of the reasons why most people still correlate the howling of dogs with the moon. And, to top it off, the female Alpha in a pack is called a Luna, which is a euphemism for the moon. From a mythological perspective, Artemis, the Greek goddess of archery, wild nature, and chastity, was also said to be the mother of wolves and the goddess of the moon. She is generally depicted adorning a silver or white dress that symbolized her connection to the moon. In Ceylon mythicism too, there is the story of “Chanda Kinnara”, which directly translates to ‘moon maids and men.’

Something that we don’t hear much about is the discussion on “Moon sensitivity.” Believe it or not, this is a lot more common than expected. Moon sensitivity is the feeling of anxiety, mood swings, being excessively emotional, and sensitivity around the time of the full moon. Anyone can comprehend this if they pay close attention to themselves around the time of the full moon. It is also natural to be drawn or be attracted to the moon as it can radiate a feeling of warmth. Explaining this phenomenon to a person who has never experienced or indulged in the moonlight is quite arduous. One of the best encounters we can gain from nature is to savor what is already around us. We allocate so much time to relish the beauty in nature during the day because everything is much more noticeable to the naked eye. During night-time, people tend to get cooped up inside their abodes when there is a complex universe outside waiting to be appreciated. One of my personal favorite things to do at nightfall is to take a stroll outside, particularly on the nights surrounding a full moon when the moonlight is grazing every leaf, plant, rock, and surface. The chilly breeze, accompanied by the little rackets of the crickets, croakers, and other insects, the sounds of the leaves brushing each other, and the absolute stillness of the chatter of human voices and vehicles is truly an ambiance that people should encounter more of. Though it is quite troublesome to gain complete hush in your locality, this sensation can be enjoyed very much on a night that has a power blackout. When all the machinery, electronic devices along with human chatter cease. For those who might query the discrepancy between savoring the quietness of midnight on a mediocre day versus on a day with a power outage, it is safe to say that there is a very definite contrast in the type of silence you will experience. One of the reasons I enjoy acknowledging or even composing about the moon and its influence on people and nature might be because I may or may not be infatuated with the moon. The moon is one of the very few elements that furnish me with the utmost delight and a sense of warmness. Though these emotions are difficult to be articulated into words, the moon in itself is a form of dopamine or serotonin and even an aphrodisiac in my perspective, and I am very well aware that I am not alone on this one.

Apart from the scientifically proven ways, the moon plays a major role in astrology and horoscopes as well. According to Western astrology, the three most important signs in anyone’s horoscope is the Sun sign, Moon sign, and the Ascendant. According to Eastern astrology, which is commonly known as the Sidereal, Vedic, or Jyotish, gives priority to one’s moon sign. Moon plays an intricate part in both astrology, horoscope, tarot readings, palmistry, and believe it or not, even in modern witchcraft. One thing both Western and Eastern Astrology shares as a common trait are their shared approach of determining a person’s personality according to their astrological chart, or their moon sign. In astrology, the moon sign is indispensable as it gives an insight into who a person really is deep down. The sun sign, as inferred by astrology, is the personality trait one dispenses to the world. It is a sort of a facade, and this does not define the authentic spirit lying beneath. The moon sign enables astrologers to identify one’s emotions, sentiments, relationships, attachments, and most importantly, how they ‘feel.’ The zodiac sign Cancer is the only sign that is directly associated with the moon, hence making it special. Cancer personalities are believed to be more intuitive, even psychic to a certain extent, more in touch with their feelings, more empathetic, responsible, loyal, reliable, caring, and passionate. These are usually the traits that are used to describe the moon in many cultures. Cancer men and women have a close relationship with their families and can be known as homebodies to a certain extent as well. They might enjoy a night in than a night out. They do keep their emotions bottled up and guarded sometimes as a result of their zodiac sign creature being a crab (crabs have a thicker shell and are harder to get through to them). These people are much more complex to understand as they have many layers to them and, they have ever-changing ideologies just like the phases of a moon, making it difficult for them to adhere to one opinion or theory for a long time. Regardless, according to astrological temperament models, Cancerians and Pisceans might be the most intellectually, and emotionally in tune to others’ feelings, and that is far more superior.

Though there is so much to discuss, discover, and explore on this celestial body known as the moon, not every sentiment can be written down. Certain things are far better when experienced than being spoken of. With that said, I would conclude the moon journey with a reminder for you to go out and savour the moonlight and the stars tonight.

A Balanced state of Mind

In recent years minimalistic lifestyle reached an unexpected peak due to the major boost it was given by western media. With the introduction of the Konmari method in 2014 to the Western states, there was a significant hike in people’s inclinations to incorporate a minimalistic approach in their day-to-day lives. Though the minimalism movement was utilized in most households, it was chiefly through materialistic aspects. De-cluttering, becoming less attached to corporealities, etc. In the process of minimalism presenting to the Western world, the essence of the practice was lost, and a form of gentrification can be seen in the viewing patterns of minimalism and how at present it has become an ideal state of living to flaunt rather than to indulge in for inner-most peace. The discipline of minimalism has become a source for clickbait, increased views, and a romanticized concept. In the discussion of minimalism, it is to be noted that there is a diverse pool of ways one can express minimalism. Be it through their art, architecture, designing style, lifestyle, mindset, fashion sense, etc. There are so many potentialities on how one can incorporate minimalism into their lives, but out of them, the minimalistic lifestyle is one of the categories that has undergone a lot of transformation from its original teachings.

The origin of minimalism dates back to the unrecorded days of Eastern history. Minimalism, as we know it today, is commonly known as a state of Zen living. Zen lifestyle which derives from the teachings of Mahayana Buddhism does not carry religious ideologies, but it is more of a philosophy or a way of conscious living. Taoism accompanied by Xuanxue is believed to be derived from the original teachings of Zen Buddhism. One can argue that Zen living and Taoism are all religious dogmas but another can counter-argue that both can be perceived as philosophies as well. Minimalism, Zen, Taoism in hindsight seems like three dissimilar teachings since they have three distinct names, yet all share the same introspect on life. Which is to be in-tune with one’s emotions, inner peace, spirituality, inner balance and to be one with nature. The minimalism taught in western practices focuses mainly on de-cluttering the living space and one’s surrounding as it is directly related to creating a parallel with the state of one’s mind to the environment one lives in. This is like the iceberg model and is not a long term solution. As the Chinese would say, there needs to be Yin and Yang for balance. Focusing on de-cluttering alone will not give the same yield as living a wholly zen lifestyle accompanied by an equal mindset.

On the topic of Yin and yang philosophical pedagogy, the Chinese teach the duality in everything around us. There is a duality in the Sun and the moon, night and day, climates, seasons, emotions, and temperaments of man. This duality creates a much-needed balance. The co-existence of both carnivores and herbivores creates a balance in nature and the eco-system. The weeds would not be overflowing as a result of herbivores and the plants will not go extinct as a result of carnivores consuming the herbivores creating a balance in population. This is better explained scientifically through Darwin and his theories. If Earth was to be covered in greenery, which is what some global warming activists view as an ideal state, 70% to more land could go underwater due to floods and increased levels of rainfall. To balance this phenomenon, on the opposite side of the globe to rainforests we find desserts. Nature simply knows what’s best to maintain life on Earth by creating balance. The simplest of imbalances in nature can create long-lasting and detrimental consequences. This is why the conservation of wild parks, water parks, marshlands, and greenery is much needed. But the majority in the world have doubts or speculations when it comes to believing in certain notions. There are religious and spiritual extremists who completely contradicts the scientific findings and work according to the teachings of their religion, cult, spiritual leader, or intuition. Flat earthers, anti-vaxxers, maskholes all believe with the power of praying, manifesting, the belief of the divine, herbal, and organic lifestyle that they can achieve anything they desire. Then there are the scientific extremists, who solely function with facts and data. Even the thought of believing in the possibility of something existing beyond the scientific knowledge and understanding triggers them. To them, science is the almighty God of all answers. This too is very problematic. Whatever end of extremism you are in is unhealthy as it naturally creates an imbalance in one’s mindset. Being able to accept the unknown around us and not invalidating other possibilities can open up different opportunities as well as novel outlooks to the world around us. This brings me to the controversy around holistic medicinal practices which is highly scrutinized by the scientific medicinal field while it has attained a speculative narration during the process. Holistic practices, Traditional Chinese medicine (TCM), Ayurvedic medicine are considered to be a few of the most historically antiquated methods of medicinal practices known up to date and are termed as alternate medicinal practices as the western approach to ailments have become a high priority and the leading solution at present. Thanks to the new and improved technologies we cannot blatantly disregard the pivotal role western medicine has bestowed on humanity and to improve the overall living status of all living beings. Since medieval times there has been a decrease in mortality rates, total elimination from diseases that were once considered incurable such as smallpox. Though there’s a lot to be thankful for because of the new technological findings it should not be forgotten that there are still many deaths that occur as a result of prescribing the wrong medication, evaluating the ailment wrongly, overdosing, and many more other mishaps. One of the many reasons for this is the western practices solely depending on technologies for proper diagnosis. There are numerous instances when patients were put through faulty medical procedures, overdosed, or were prescribed improper medication due to an improperly evaluated scan, x-ray, blood checkup, or else. The doctors in most western practices take the least amount of time to get to know their patients to go through a lot in one day. This has created a quality over quantity atmosphere in hospitals which could lead to more complications than possible positive outcomes. The same applies to the context of veterinary care for animals. One of the main rationalizations for me to not pursue my dream of being a veterinarian might have occurred from the fact that there are more deaths a vet causes in their lifetime than the amount they cure. There were countless times that I have lost many of my beloved pets to wrongly prescribed medicine than of natural and timely deaths. Where in most instances I have gotten used to doing my own research and recovering them through natural means than opting for veterinary care which has elicited far more positive results especially when it comes to smaller animals like rodents, hamsters, rabbits, squirrels, and birds. Because of what we are exposed to through media it is natural of us to think badly of natural and holistic treatments. It is by no means saying that deadly pandemics like Covid-19 can be cured through holistic practices. The faith put on to alternative medicine has declined significantly due to people such as Dhammika Bandara who candidly share and spread their idiocracy which leads to people putting their blind faith in Dhammika Paniya, Rawana paniya, and such idiocracies.

One of the main teachings of holistic practices, TCM and Ayurveda are not only to prescribe a medicine for the injury or ailment but find the root causes behind it. Which is a total acknowledgment of the patient’s physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual health. The doctors take more time to understand the patient, their living situations, eating habits, and mental state which is very detrimental and easily neglected due to the fast-paced structure in western medicine. One of the best ways to explain the difference between these two practices is to imagine a context where a child is taken to see a western practitioner due to a stomach ache and the diagnosis would most probably be stomach flu, unhygienic eating patterns, or a worm disease. The child would get medication to cure the ailment but it would not heal with no given medications and the child would be continuously given medications that are not fit for his ailment. But if the child was to be taken to a holistic practitioner, the underlying condition for the incurable stomach ache would be diagnosed as anxiety. This would be treated considering the child’s psycho-social needs. Though this could be diagnosed by proper western practitioners, it would take them a trial and error period to get to the proper diagnosis. Likewise, it is important to see all the sides in every situation and context and to have a balanced outlook and mindset.

At the end of the day, what zen Buddhism, zen lifestyle, minimalism, Taoism, Jainism, holistic and other alternative medicinal practices all teach in its essence is the need to find one’s inner balance, harmony, peace by getting in touch with one’s intuition and nature. It is said in almost all ancient philosophies the only way a man can truly find himself and find inner peace is by tracing one’s steps to living a life aligning with nature. One thing that all these philosophies emphasize repeatedly is the need to get closer to nature, reduce screen time, have one-to-one connections, etc. Which reminds me of a book that I recently read on how we as humans have welcomed chaos into our lives. There are so many instances we hear of the negative repercussions of messing up our sleeping schedules, eating unhealthy food, using technology way too much, and so on. There must be countless times, our parents have preached this to us yet we ignore it because of the busy lives we have got used to. Yet, once I read that book, it was as if I finally came to my senses how we literally damage ourselves and then amidst all that yearns to find peace, happiness, and comfort. In brief, the book teaches on the ways one can re-trace their steps to rewire their brain to align with nature. Starting from sleeping patterns. With the over-consumption of technologies after nightfall and getting used to artificial luminescence, night-time has extended and we have gotten accustomed to sleeping till afternoon. This has messed up our natural circadian rhythm. This is quite comparable to the previous piece on the effects of the moon, night, and moonlight on our bodies. Next is seasonal foods. With the availability of all sorts of food throughout the year, we have gotten used to eating any food at any given time. But if we switch to eating seasonal foods this can naturally align our bodies to the proper seasons and environments around us, because at the end of the day we are a creation of nature itself.

In conclusion, it can be very beneficial for oneself to get in touch with nature and find themselves through a self-awareness journey. For this, the teachings of the above-mentioned philosophies and mindsets can appear as very helpful and enlightening as it not only teaches one to find yourself and to attract the things that matter to you the most but also teaches the necessity to let go. Letting go of things, people, emotions, and unhealthy desires. If it doesn’t benefit your heart, your soul, or your mind, it might not need a place in your life. These lifestyles teach extremely valuable life lessons such as the art of pausing. Pausing from everyday hectic work schedules, mundane routines, pauses from connections, relationships, and people. The necessity to find alone time, embrace uncertainty, silence, and freedom.

Concluding with one of the most memorable quotes from that book “If you don’t stop and pause, life will do it for you.”

Romanticizing Parenthood

“Not everyone is fit to be a parent in a society where parenthood is idealized, romanticized, and encouraged.”

Biologically speaking, parenthood and procreation are inevitable and substantial among humans and all living beings. This is what sustains a species and safeguard it from becoming extinct. This is the plight for most species excluding humans at present. The fear of going extinct should be not in humans’ minds but of the thousands of animals and plants driven to the brink of extinction daily by humans. Yet, here we are, multiplying by the very second at an unprecedented rate. So why do we, humans, have the dire need to breed? The answers could vary from “I love kids,” “We need to preserve our race/ethnicity,” “I need to pass down my family name,” “Just because that’s what’s expected of a person,” to the most cliche answer, “An investment, Who is going to take care of me when I’m older.” Even if you did ask your self as to why you would require a child of your own, did you question for a second is it because we, as humans, need to procreate because we are at the brink of extinction, or is it because this is what’s expected of you from the society? The intention of this is not to bash those who have children or to tell anyone the futility of the modernized social construct of the term “Family.” It’s mainly to reiterate how much we have deviated from the pragmatic purposes of producing or needing children to become creatures who follow an unintentionally established system in our society.

It is the norm for our grandparents’ generations to produce a lot of children. This was mainly due to two reasons. Firstly, they believed in the concept of large families; secondly, lack of understanding/availability of birth control. Though many people opt for various lifestyles, such as celibacy, adoption, not have children, etc., society is not ready to accept change just yet. At present, we have no concerns about humans falling into extinction, but on the contrary, we face a crisis with overpopulation. But, the segregated mentality within us — cultural, racial, ethnic differences-drives humans to preserve their race so as not to be outnumbered by another race. All of these analyses combined are sufficient to attest how much of a selfish act we play in parenthood’s romanticized ideology. This brings me to the central statement of the article, “Every child deserves parents, but not all parents deserve children.” The most cliche response I have seen most people give is, “I did not ask to be born, so why am I alive?” A pro-lifer might disagree with this statement, but there is a certain sense of truth to it. Hence why I call the current trend of having a family is solely on selfish desires. Each child’s life growing up in a family is different; therefore, this statement cannot be generalized. There’s an array of reasons why every woman under the sun is not fit to be a mother and why every man is not fit to be a father, yet our society expects everyone to be so. How is that going to work out?. Some children are born out of wedlock or through unfortunate circumstances, which leads them to be in foster care and face many hardships. Those classifications would not be addressed here as I solely focus on the parents who deliberately plan and produce kids. All of us were raised by a parent(s) or at least a parental figure. This could be a grandparent, elder sibling, relatives, or all of them, as some sayings say, “it takes a village to raise a child.” If you’re a younger sibling, congrats! You might have got parented by not just your parents but your older sibling(s) too.

At least in my case, I like to shove my little brother around as If I’m the shepherd, and he’s the sheep. Not all siblings might be able to relate to this (and I know that for a fact as I did a mini-survey and found out not everyone shares the same opinions on sibling relationships), but according to the psychology of birth order, the older sibling is generally more responsible and has mature attributes compared to the carefree, rebellious nature of a younger sibling. This is quite apparent in me and my brother’s relationship (apart from the significant age gap and him being a complete ass, and my constant longings to ship him off to Mars along with all the other younger brothers until they are of mature age). The survey I carried out gave an array of responses, which got me thinking about why and how these platonic relationships differ from person to person. Sibling relationships are one of the few ways one can examine to get an idea of how they are being raised inside a family, behind closed doors. Another way is the mentality of the individual. The various means he/she functions in public and private settings, their relationships with other people all reflect their upbringing — for example, extreme independence, the “lone wolf” attributes, fear of commitment, fear of relationships (platonic or love), interpersonal relationships, too much of secrecy or privacy, constant worry (over-analyzing), insecurities, anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, self-doubt, uncontrollable anger, weight gain, and weight loss, specific fears, insomnia, are all a few of the ways we as adults portray childhood unhealed trauma. “Unhealed” trauma is complex as the person might still be foreign to the fact that they have been affected by their childhood traumas or have not come to terms with solving them. There are several ways (by several, I mean so many ways) grown adults portray their unhealed childhood trauma. When I say trauma, do not misunderstand it for just the life-altering events in your life. But unhealed trauma can be caused by something as small as a simple yet powerful sentence like, “You are stupid.” One of the tragic ways adults suppress or hide their past, the feeling of nostalgia or even the pain, is through work. Workaholics, therefore, have a higher tendency to have a rough childhood. So, to bring the whole point of the narrative back to the present, Romanticizing parenthood is toxic for this core reason. Most childhood trauma is a product of the parent(s) or the parental figure, followed by childhood bullies. If the origin of a child’s upbringing is of a peaceful and healthy setting, there is a huge possibility for the child to push through all other obstacles with the help of his/her family. But when the main issue lies within the family itself, then the child becomes helpless. This is when the quote “Every child deserves a parent, but not all parents deserve a child” applies. Unfortunately, not every person is equipped to be a parent. This is what our society can’t understand. It shouldn’t be “do you want to raise a child?”; it should be “can you raise a child?”

Pulse.lk had two separate videos on parenting which was quite insightful. The two videos interviewed people of two social levels — one with affluent, well-educated celebrity figures and the other average citizens. The questions asked by both classes were quite similar, but the answers were like day and night. The interview with the celebrity figures addressed the necessity of being a good parental role model to the children, focusing more on their emotional development and well-being, giving them their desired freedom, and many more psychologically backed up parental hacks. The average citizen’s responses focused on the child’s education; “knowledge is power” centric thought process, and to make the child a good citizen. When questioned where they learned to parent, they stated they learned through their parents, people around them, and grandparents. In hindsight, there is nothing wrong with either one of these categories. Both groups want the best for their children. But here we see that how we learn to be a parent is through a parent, there is a higher chance of us making the same mistakes as they did because you were too busy making babies. This is where the generational toxicity is passed through. You and I both might be unaware of these generational cycles since we are subjected to see and feel them on a daily basis. But according to psychological studies on childhood trauma and what causes them, these are a few of the reasons,

• Parents who have gone through psychological distress are more likely to mistreat their children unintentionally. (Hence my theory on generational toxic cycles)
• Irrational and uneducated beliefs of parents hinder the opinions, growth, and freedom of children.
• Physical punishments — that leaves scars, bruises ( Some of you might say, “My mom, dad, and my whole ancestry used to hit me with everything, even with the polkatu handa, but I turned out fine. All I have to ask is, “ARE YOU OK?”)
• Unhealthy comparisons — Why can’t you be like you’re akka? Why can’t you be like nandage putha? The neighbor’s haraka works more than you! (tsk tsk it’s never enough for them) Comparing siblings can lead to ultimately resenting them and creating unhealthy bonds with them.
• Verbally abusive statements: You’re stupid, You’re incompetent, You’re useless.
• Threatening with abandonment — This is very common among parents who have toddlers. And the worst part is sometimes they do this just for fun. At the end of a visit how many of your drunk uncles and nosy aunties had asked to take your malli or nangi away? Me and my brother might be at each other’s throats every second but still, I would stab anyone who tries to take him away from me.
• Threatening with depriving them of their happiness — This might be the most common punishment or controlling method followed by almost every parental figure. Low grades? No tv, no phone, no going-out, no calls. Didn’t do the chores? No tv, no phone, no friends over, etc. Stomachache? No phone. Problems apparently disintegrate when you limit your kid’s happiness.
• Empty promises — “If you do this, I will get you that” but the failure to keep up the promise will over time cause the child to completely lose trust in the most important person in his life and this will go on to impact all of their future relationships as well. The beginning of a “trust issue” saga. Like the memes say, “Mom can we stop at Mcdonalds? No, we have food at home. *the food at home — parippu and rice*
• Blaming the child for the parent’s downfall and playing the victim card — we forget that parents are humans too and therefore they are dealing with their own battles and demons. But they have the choice to choose whether to pass this on to my child and traumatize him or to change. If you know you can’t change, you should not have a child, because they are not your punching bag( theoretically and metaphorically).
• Shutting down the kids when questioning or being curious — This is one of the worst things a parent or any elder can do to a growing child. Children are so curious about everything. Shushing them is like silencing them forever. I read about how a child was shushed for singing by her exhausted mother after a long workday and this affected her so much. Until her late 30s, she never had the courage to sing out loud. It’s the small things that make the biggest differences. The sole reason I never hug her/ hug her back (my mom) is that when she was pregnant with my brother I went for a hug, but perhaps because of her mood swings she shrugged me off, and the pain of being rejected as a child yearning for a hug was enough for me to never ever hug her again. Hence, little things, almost every little thing parents/parental figures do unintentionally or intentionally makes lasting impacts.
• Overly demanding — You got 99 for the paper and they would still fry your brains for that one mark you lost. Also known as tiger parenting. They push you to your boundaries until you break.
• Belittling you — Sometimes parents have a hard time seeing you as a grown adult even if you’re in your 40s. This negatively impacts when they mock your beliefs and wouldn’t let you make your own decisions. In their eyes, you will always be the nappy-wearing, thumb-sucking kid.

It is not just by these methods parents can mentally, emotionally, and psychologically fuck your brains, but also through very discreet and subtle ways that even you won’t notice.

• Smothering, overprotecting, creating the child fully dependable on the parents
• Role reversal — Where the eldest sibling has to take the responsibilities of being the mature one. ( This can happen due to many reasons, but it could really affect her and her childhood/youth)
• Good parent/ bad parent — Good in public, the evil behind closed doors. Only the child will experience the two shifts within the same person.
• Secret rivalry — when the parent sees the child as a rival.

To sum it up, parenthood is great. Great for those who know what they are getting into, before choosing to have children. Because of the society, we live in almost everyone is expected to have a stereotypical lifestyle. This is like a pre-programmed blueprint for all. You go to school, get a degree, get a job, get married, have kids, now tend your whole life to kids. For almost half of the living years or more, all a person do is study, get academic qualifications to improve their career life. There would be a short period where you can do as you wish and for some, it is straight to making babies after graduation. This is the life cycle we are used to, we are exposed to. We don’t know why we do it, but we do it anyway. Since this is what every tom and dick out there is doing, it is natural for people to romanticize this messed-up life. It is a bleak silver lining in a stormy cloud. But does that do justice to the unborn child? Who will have to face the same childhood trauma that was passed down for generations? I have rarely seen people take a step back to think if they are suitable, emotionally capable to raise children. The main deciding factors are usually finances, career, a place to live, etc. We are living in an era where children are essential to complete the term “family”. They are essential in a marriage. The concept of having children is like having pets or objects, it is very normalized. The depth of the responsibility is missing. This is by no means saying we are incapable of procreating. It’s a matter of ending generational toxic cycles. Challenging yourself to change for the better. Learn, grow and adapt. But this by no means bashing the parents we have, it is merely a learning process of trial and error. And on that note of parenting, I’m going to toot my own horn by stating elder sister’s too should earn a medal for taking on the acting role of mother, peacemaker, teacher, and occasional serial killer, and if that sister happens to have a younger brother, she should earn the Nobel Peace Prize and the patience prize (they should have one specifically for showcasing outstanding patience because younger brothers <<<< Younger sisters).

Ending with a quote under the comments section on a Tedx Talk on “How did your parents mess up?” — “My mother is a good role model…..She’s everything I don’t want to become.” ( Substitute “mother” to anyone in your life growing up).