The Simple Joys of Life

Life is a tumultuous journey for all creatures walking the face of the earth. It is a race for survival and existence, but with time the needs and wants of man have evolved drastically effecting a boost in non-essential items and luxuries that can only be accessed by the wealthy or the more affluent people of our society. The world has become a very unjust, and biased place to survive in terms of financially and ethically as well. Among all the chaos of the world, people have become engrossed in a futile rat race. Chasing after what we believe to be happiness, pursuing tales and fabrications made by the world around us, and ultimately realizing all is in vain and happiness is not just a matter of materialistic pleasure but it involves a lot of spiritual and mental satisfaction and gratitude as well.

We too are part of this vicious circle of life, where we will only come to realize our trifling struggles throughout our lifetime have gotten us nothing but the bitterness at the end of the day for not living life to its best while we could have. A quote that touched me in ways that none others have is “Carpe Diem” also known as ‘seize the day’ by the infamous movie ‘The Dead Poet’s Society’. Many quotes and sayings emphasize the need to live in the moment and enjoying the moment your experiencing. But the absolute ignorance we give to the simple joys and pleasures in life is detrimental to our well-being and how we will devise our future.

The words “mysa” and “hygge” are two words that reveal the pure delights in life elegantly. “mysa” is a Swedish word to express the pleasure and comfort of being at home, then the term “hygge” defines the act of enjoying simple things in life that we overlook on a day-to-day basis because of our bustling lifestyles. What have we taken for granted as a human being? In simple terms, Everything. We as humans take everything that comes our way for granted. Be it the air we breathe, the water we drink, the food we ingest, and the people we encounter. If you’re a busy individual going back and forth from work and home to different places you would barely have time to appreciate the company of your family, loved ones, and to have some tranquil moment for yourself. You would be longing for a chance to be home. But when you are granted the chance to linger at home as a result of the current pandemic you would have an abundance of unoccupied time in your hands to do whatever your heart pleases. But yet you would be yearning to go out and get back to your hectic lifestyle as you are wary of being home. The proverb “absence makes the heart grow fonder” fits the context perfectly as we tend to crave for things when we lose them, that is a consequence of taking things for granted while we have them. During the pandemic majority of us are desiring a particular form of living before the pandemic. It could be going out to meet friends, going to work, school, university, going to purchase groceries, not fretting about wearing masks, sanitizing and social distancing continually, the simple privilege of going out of your house are things we have taken granted though we did not realize. Being inside locked doors for a long period may have ignited a spark of curiosity in you to follow your heart and engage in leisurely activities that you did not have the time to do before the pandemic. Taking time to prepare your meals, read a book, listen to music without any interruption, compose a painting, watch a movie, exerting time to attend to your loved ones and spend quality time with them, enjoying a cup of tea or coffee in the chilly morning are things that you can start appreciating every day instead of looking forward to spending extravagantly to gain a momentary sense of happiness. Understanding happiness, content, and comfort can be reached at any place, even at the comfort of your own home by yourself is vital for the personal and spiritual growth of a person.

An act of appreciating and being grateful for the meal that is put in front can be seen in the Japanese culture. The Japanese will use the term “Itadakimasu” before each meal which simply means “to eat and receive”. This is an imperative part of Japanese culture to thank everything and everyone involved in the preparation of a meal. Another part of the society that says thankyou before a meal is Christians. They would proceed to say Grace before or after a meal to acknowledge and appreciate the meal. These are acts of gratitude that we as humans should incorporate in our lifestyles. This does not mean we need to serve these exact procedures but we can start appreciating the effort that takes to put a meal on the table three times a day every day to keep us alive and healthy. To appreciate the cup of coffee you drink every morning to feel awake. What we don’t see is the process that takes to manufacture the ingredients for your meal or your coffee and the long hours it takes to be harvested, prepared, distributed, stored in hygiene conditions fit for consumption takes up to months and the process requires a lot of laborers along the way to create your daily life much more pleasant. Once you start noticing the efforts put by everyone involved in making you that cup of tea to the point you drink it, you will not look at life the same way you viewed it earlier.

Minimalism became a life-altering movement in recent years because of characters like Marie Kondo who came up with the Konmari method of decluttering that took the world by surprise. This method had been practiced from the early days in East Asia as a lifestyle though it was given recognition much later in the years. Though at present there are many adaptations of minimalism and incentives for taking part in this lifestyle, being a minimalist allows a person to be grateful at the utmost level to the items they possess. A minimalistic lifestyle empowers you to have the bare essentials and to de-clutter constantly. This means you can only own the things that you would use daily and donate or discard things you have not utilized. This would result in owning a minimum number of items in a household and therefore raising the value of each item. Being grateful even for the smallest thing in life can be a beneficial step to perceive life. It would open your eyes to an unconventional approach of perceiving. ‘The Monk who sold his Ferrari’ by Robert Sharma and the ‘Alchemist’ by Paulo Coelho are two books that remind me of being content with simple joys in life that would make excellent readings to transform the way you view life.

Sapiosexuals

What is sapiosexual? In a generation where the term sapiosexual is being thrown around like confetti, it is best to pause and retrace the steps to the origin of the word. Sapiosexual is a person who is drawn by the intelligence, knowledge, sagacity a person possesses. These people are not attracted by corporeal images, disposition, or any other peculiarity but solely from the complex forms of evaluating a person begets. Their version of foreplay can be a steamy debate or a profound and meaningful conversation. The catchword came to the limelight in the mid-year of 2014 on a talk show addressing attraction and relationships. Ever since then many individuals have been utilizing the word in various contexts in their private and public life. From candidly replacing their profile bio to a sapiosexual related quote or by dropping the “S” bomb on a first date. This can be beneficial for a partner who’s the ideal person should be a being of intellect but then again in my opinion it can be a sign of a red flag.

Why would someone blatantly express of them being a sapiosexual when they meet anyone new without verifying who they are by engaging in an intriguing conversation? When people tend to be straight forward by using terms as such it seems very pretentious and hence raises all my red flags about a person’s authenticity. Keeping my doubts and inquiries about such people aside for a while, I will draw my attention to the psychology behind such attractions. If we go into an in-depth analysis of attraction there are diverse psychological, scientific, fictitious, ancestral, cultural beliefs of forms of attractions including the recently brought out theory of the law of attraction. Scientific research shows that it can be a form of natural selection for reproduction which is the fundamental basis of Darwin’s theory. On the other hand, it can be a mere fascination for smart and talented people in general. If it was up to me to furnish an interpretation it would be the necessity to have a partner who is capable of holding an engaging and stimulating conversation, discussion, or even a very disputatious debate over a political, sociological, etc matter. Having a great physique can be one person’s cup of tea but it’s not mine, possessing a unique personality can be intriguing… for a while as it too can vary but what is timeless in my evaluation is a person who is constantly in the quest for knowledge, insatiable thirst, and greed for answers. This, in the long run, devises and maintains conversations and when seeing myself in a 10 or 20 year’s time I do not see myself not being able to sustain an open-minded discussion with the person I would claim to relish.

In a context where I grew up being able to have long conversations that are both argumentative and insightful with my father on a daily basis, I truly enjoy a person who is able to fill me up with unconventional ideologies that would raise my eyebrows. As a child seeing all my father’s ideologies being scrutinized by everyone around him made me question a lot of things but growing up with such clashing opinions made me immune to radical notions making me crave to hunt for more facts, information, or even people that would give me that feeling of thrill, rush and excitement of being in non-stereotypical conversations. Being able to hold such conversations requires a lot of research and study as well as a unique set of exposure which makes encountering people who have that sort of mentality arduous to discover. It is fairly true that wisdom and experience come with maturity because there is hardly anyone in my age category I can relate to or build a relationship in such a manner. Therefore, making people who have such a mentality, especially men a luxury.

Concluding this I will deliver a brief quotation from a tale I read of the destitute yet the very relatable narrative of Othello by William Shakespeare. Despite Othello being an aged moor ( African in a racist society) and Desdemona being the Senator’s daughter who is more than half the age younger to Othello fell in love with Othello.
“My heart’s subdued
Even to the very quality of my lord:
I saw Othello’s visage in his mind,
And to his honor and his valiant parts
Did I my soul and fortunes consecrate”

She candidly speaks out to his father about the reason she fell in love with the Moor. She saw his face in his mind as said by the third line of the quote. A young lady reared in a society where all the gentlemen had curly blonde hair, blue eyes, and rosy lips she fell in love with the dark, tall and wise man who can enthral her with all his life experiences.

Why we are who we are – An analysis on eroticism and pornography

Hooked on a never-ending quest for who we are, I’m going to tell you that you and I are not much different from an ape or a canine. Keyword “not much”. One could argue there’s so much that separates us, humans, from animals. The title itself speaks volumes as we have adapted three variants to one simple outcome, “Sex”. At the end of the day Sexuality, Eroticism, and pornography reveals the carnal instincts within humans, which is one of the driving factors for all creatures on Earth. Understanding one’s expression of sexuality in itself can be empowering. Though the three elements stated in the title discuss one shared motive, the process of executing and performing of all three is very dissimilar and has its uniquity.

Sex, Love, Lust, Sexual expression, and Sensuality are matters that have been in question and of discussion throughout the years. One such infamous person to shed some light on this matter is Sigmund Freud. Though some of his arguments and theories are far from reality and practicality, he was able to open new pathways of study. Few of his discoveries are controversial yet make sense when taken as a part of the bigger picture.

1. “Sexuality Is Everyone’s Weakness — and Strength” — Since the beginning of humankind, sexual orientation and sexuality has been one of the sole reasons for major gender divisions and gender-biased job formations. Sex in itself is power. Be it on the bed, in society, or the wild. The one who initiates and the one who controls has the power to get what they want. Be it to satiate their sexual needs, to gain benefits (socially or financially), to play with the power dynamics in a relationship, and to reclaim the dominancy, sex has been and is in use as a weapon. This can either empower or destroy a person depending on the circumstances.

2. “Every Part of the Body Is Erotic” — Freud implied that human beings were sexual from the very beginning. From the days of breastfeeding up until adulthood, there is a sexual drive within all human beings. This reminds me of the well-articulated discourse Seema Anand performed on the “Art of Seduction” on a TEDx forum. She takes references from Ananga Ranga or Kamaledhiplava, which is an Indian sex manual written by ‘Kalyana Malla’ in the 15th or 16th century. Just like Freud, the Indian born storyteller Seema Ananda discreetly explains the subtle yet varied ways of seduction, or in common terminology methods of “turn-on’s”. She further explains the different erogenous zones and the relationships they have with the phases of the moon. In simpler terms, any part of the human body can be erotic.

3. “Fantasy Is an Important Factor in Sexual Excitement” — Needless to go into detail on this, as it is not a secret how much of a vital role our imagination plays to conceive the feeling of being “in the seventh heaven”.

Freudian’s theory in comparison to Carl Jung’s ideologies dispenses contrasting beliefs as well as similarities on a platonic level. While Freud expressed his ideologies on Sex, Love, and sexuality with real-life cases, and analysis of psycho-social behaviors, Jung approached love, sex, and relationships on a more spiritual and philosophical level. Though he excels in the fields of anthropology and a psychoanalyst when it comes to the topic of love, he gravitates more towards philosophy.

“The sexuality of man is more earthly, that of the woman is more spiritual. The spirituality of man is more heavenly, it moves toward the greater.” — Carl Jung, Liber Novus, Page 353.

“We can only become real by accepting our sexuality and not denying it through saintliness.” — Carl Jung.

He takes references from spirituality, religion, and philosophy to express the relationship between a man and a woman. He creates parallels of love to the heavens and the spiritual aspect of the universe implying the existence of a greater depth to the bond shared between two people.

On the topic of love, after browsing through a few of the ideologies and viewpoints of these scholars, I rounded up love into three categories. These can be viewed as different variants of love in a sexual partnership. The first type of love is probably the most common out of all three. It is the love we see commonly among humans and animals. The need to reproduce and the pressure to pass down genes are at the forefront of this partnership. This is a primitive and natural behavior in both animals and humans to ensure the survival of all living beings. In the animal world, we don’t see an attraction beyond the need to reproduce, and the process of finding a suitable mating partner is through an elimination process where the fittest and the strongest gets the chance to pass down their genes. In simpler terms, this is what Darwin explained by natural selection. The human version of love is somewhat similar to that too since most people when in a relationship goes through a process of elimination to choose the best partner for them. People in their mid to late 20s and 30s would usually be in a rush to find a suitable partner to avoid their “lady nuts expiring” and “the joysticks from malfunctioning”.

The second variant of love leans towards a hormonal attraction. This is the person who is in love with the idea of love. He or she is in love with love. It is the desire to be in the honeymoon phase continuously and it would most probably be very short-lived. It’s a state of being high on pleasure and can be paralleled to the feeling of a high one get from an aphrodisiac. Like when consuming chocolate or smelling of vanilla perfume.

The third is a more complex kind of attraction. This attraction is a result of falling in love with the mind, an appreciation of their existence, and agreeing to be a work in progress to uplift each other’s spirits, minds, bodies, and souls. The need to reproduce might be the last thing playing on their minds’ or would not be in the picture at all. Hence, it is not the equivalent of the first kind of love. Since there is an understanding between the two on what each other desires in life there is the possibility to partner up amidst the differences and compromise to work alongside the dissimilarities, knowing very well that there will be ups and downs in the said relationship. Unlike the forever happy-go-lucky honeymoon phase that was expected in the second variant of love, this outshines all sorts of love.

Just like the different variants of love, there are numerous ways of expressing love and attraction. The numerous facets of eroticism and sensuality, also known as sex allow a person to freely express their innermost desires and feelings. On the topic of eroticism and pornography, the double standards between them will forever be in debate. When discussing these two aspects side by side, most would point out the similarities, yet one sounds very sensual, appealing, and even quite romantic and the other a bit on the vulgar side and straight forward. Yet there are the subtle inconsistencies that make a world of a difference. Both would claim to be a form of art or performance but is it? The very well-known form of sexual display, that is pornography, is pretty straightforward and is meant for one purpose, which is to act as a medium of pleasure both for the viewer and the performer, and it gets straight to the point. The act of eroticism is much different in that aspect as it is a subtle and erotic approach compared to the other. Most of the time, in eroticism, there will only be subtleties of foreplay and the erotic depiction of the human body.

There are several types of eroticism. This includes erotica, erotic romance, erotic literature, erotic art, and erotic photography. Though the expression of passion, sensuality, and lust in the form of art is admired and even encouraged in many cultures there is a considerable amount of backlash from the majority at present in Sri Lanka. This is quite ironic considering the notorious history Sri Lanka had in the field of erotic performances, art, and erotic literature. One of the examples taken from history is the music composed by Ananda Samarakoon after being inspired by Tagore. In his work, “Endada Manike” Samarakoon incorporated the Indian goddess Saraswati as she assumes the disguise of a young woman. Enchanted by her beauty, a young man attempts to woo her. He invites her to come into the river to pluck flowers and the dialogue takes on a tone of eroticism when the girl’s white dress becomes wet. Yet the song remains appealing because of the subtle usage of words and the mild language. One of the lyrics is as follows, “In my next birth may I become the honeybee that drinks the flower’s pollen” the specialty of erotic composition during that time and now is the usage of language in the most subtle form. “As Ranjini Obeyesekere explains, “Love poetry or poems evoking śṛngāra rasa (erotic mood) were a well-known feature of classical Sinhalese poetry.” One could even argue that the core principles most deem as sacred in terms of religion, for example, the infamous Kusa Jataka tale carries erotic denotations. Though visual erotica can be appealing, there is so much room for imagination and improvement in the genre of erotic literature. This is similar to romance but has a much sensual and passionate approach in comparison to raunchy novels or straight up smut.

There is much room for growth and to explore in the field of eroticism. Just like the many love languages, such as acts of service, touch, and affirmations, there are various erotic/ sexual languages as well as said by the ONNA journal. According to her, there are five blueprints for erotic love language.

The 5 Erotic Blueprints are:

• Energetic
• Sensual
• Sexual
• Kinky
• Shape Shifter

Apart from these, there are many ways one can express oneself sexually. But why does it matter? Because it is what makes us human, it is one of the things that differentiates us as well as unites us from the animals, it is what makes us incomparable to the other humans. The unique approaches each one of us has towards these factors and how we perceive all these and incorporate them into our lives makes us who we are at the end of the day. Be it the way one performs on the bed, behind closed doors, or the way one flirts, it all indicates the knowledge one has on this matter and their own unique preferences which adds a bit of flavor to a mundane relationship. This creates one’s identity and personality.

Since this is an extremely broad subject matter this is an article that skimmed over the very top layer of the components.

Romanticizing Parenthood

“Not everyone is fit to be a parent in a society where parenthood is idealized, romanticized, and encouraged.”

Biologically speaking, parenthood and procreation are inevitable and substantial among humans and all living beings. This is what sustains a species and safeguard it from becoming extinct. This is the plight for most species excluding humans at present. The fear of going extinct should be not in humans’ minds but of the thousands of animals and plants driven to the brink of extinction daily by humans. Yet, here we are, multiplying by the very second at an unprecedented rate. So why do we, humans, have the dire need to breed? The answers could vary from “I love kids,” “We need to preserve our race/ethnicity,” “I need to pass down my family name,” “Just because that’s what’s expected of a person,” to the most cliche answer, “An investment, Who is going to take care of me when I’m older.” Even if you did ask your self as to why you would require a child of your own, did you question for a second is it because we, as humans, need to procreate because we are at the brink of extinction, or is it because this is what’s expected of you from the society? The intention of this is not to bash those who have children or to tell anyone the futility of the modernized social construct of the term “Family.” It’s mainly to reiterate how much we have deviated from the pragmatic purposes of producing or needing children to become creatures who follow an unintentionally established system in our society.

It is the norm for our grandparents’ generations to produce a lot of children. This was mainly due to two reasons. Firstly, they believed in the concept of large families; secondly, lack of understanding/availability of birth control. Though many people opt for various lifestyles, such as celibacy, adoption, not have children, etc., society is not ready to accept change just yet. At present, we have no concerns about humans falling into extinction, but on the contrary, we face a crisis with overpopulation. But, the segregated mentality within us — cultural, racial, ethnic differences-drives humans to preserve their race so as not to be outnumbered by another race. All of these analyses combined are sufficient to attest how much of a selfish act we play in parenthood’s romanticized ideology. This brings me to the central statement of the article, “Every child deserves parents, but not all parents deserve children.” The most cliche response I have seen most people give is, “I did not ask to be born, so why am I alive?” A pro-lifer might disagree with this statement, but there is a certain sense of truth to it. Hence why I call the current trend of having a family is solely on selfish desires. Each child’s life growing up in a family is different; therefore, this statement cannot be generalized. There’s an array of reasons why every woman under the sun is not fit to be a mother and why every man is not fit to be a father, yet our society expects everyone to be so. How is that going to work out?. Some children are born out of wedlock or through unfortunate circumstances, which leads them to be in foster care and face many hardships. Those classifications would not be addressed here as I solely focus on the parents who deliberately plan and produce kids. All of us were raised by a parent(s) or at least a parental figure. This could be a grandparent, elder sibling, relatives, or all of them, as some sayings say, “it takes a village to raise a child.” If you’re a younger sibling, congrats! You might have got parented by not just your parents but your older sibling(s) too.

At least in my case, I like to shove my little brother around as If I’m the shepherd, and he’s the sheep. Not all siblings might be able to relate to this (and I know that for a fact as I did a mini-survey and found out not everyone shares the same opinions on sibling relationships), but according to the psychology of birth order, the older sibling is generally more responsible and has mature attributes compared to the carefree, rebellious nature of a younger sibling. This is quite apparent in me and my brother’s relationship (apart from the significant age gap and him being a complete ass, and my constant longings to ship him off to Mars along with all the other younger brothers until they are of mature age). The survey I carried out gave an array of responses, which got me thinking about why and how these platonic relationships differ from person to person. Sibling relationships are one of the few ways one can examine to get an idea of how they are being raised inside a family, behind closed doors. Another way is the mentality of the individual. The various means he/she functions in public and private settings, their relationships with other people all reflect their upbringing — for example, extreme independence, the “lone wolf” attributes, fear of commitment, fear of relationships (platonic or love), interpersonal relationships, too much of secrecy or privacy, constant worry (over-analyzing), insecurities, anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, self-doubt, uncontrollable anger, weight gain, and weight loss, specific fears, insomnia, are all a few of the ways we as adults portray childhood unhealed trauma. “Unhealed” trauma is complex as the person might still be foreign to the fact that they have been affected by their childhood traumas or have not come to terms with solving them. There are several ways (by several, I mean so many ways) grown adults portray their unhealed childhood trauma. When I say trauma, do not misunderstand it for just the life-altering events in your life. But unhealed trauma can be caused by something as small as a simple yet powerful sentence like, “You are stupid.” One of the tragic ways adults suppress or hide their past, the feeling of nostalgia or even the pain, is through work. Workaholics, therefore, have a higher tendency to have a rough childhood. So, to bring the whole point of the narrative back to the present, Romanticizing parenthood is toxic for this core reason. Most childhood trauma is a product of the parent(s) or the parental figure, followed by childhood bullies. If the origin of a child’s upbringing is of a peaceful and healthy setting, there is a huge possibility for the child to push through all other obstacles with the help of his/her family. But when the main issue lies within the family itself, then the child becomes helpless. This is when the quote “Every child deserves a parent, but not all parents deserve a child” applies. Unfortunately, not every person is equipped to be a parent. This is what our society can’t understand. It shouldn’t be “do you want to raise a child?”; it should be “can you raise a child?”

Pulse.lk had two separate videos on parenting which was quite insightful. The two videos interviewed people of two social levels — one with affluent, well-educated celebrity figures and the other average citizens. The questions asked by both classes were quite similar, but the answers were like day and night. The interview with the celebrity figures addressed the necessity of being a good parental role model to the children, focusing more on their emotional development and well-being, giving them their desired freedom, and many more psychologically backed up parental hacks. The average citizen’s responses focused on the child’s education; “knowledge is power” centric thought process, and to make the child a good citizen. When questioned where they learned to parent, they stated they learned through their parents, people around them, and grandparents. In hindsight, there is nothing wrong with either one of these categories. Both groups want the best for their children. But here we see that how we learn to be a parent is through a parent, there is a higher chance of us making the same mistakes as they did because you were too busy making babies. This is where the generational toxicity is passed through. You and I both might be unaware of these generational cycles since we are subjected to see and feel them on a daily basis. But according to psychological studies on childhood trauma and what causes them, these are a few of the reasons,

• Parents who have gone through psychological distress are more likely to mistreat their children unintentionally. (Hence my theory on generational toxic cycles)
• Irrational and uneducated beliefs of parents hinder the opinions, growth, and freedom of children.
• Physical punishments — that leaves scars, bruises ( Some of you might say, “My mom, dad, and my whole ancestry used to hit me with everything, even with the polkatu handa, but I turned out fine. All I have to ask is, “ARE YOU OK?”)
• Unhealthy comparisons — Why can’t you be like you’re akka? Why can’t you be like nandage putha? The neighbor’s haraka works more than you! (tsk tsk it’s never enough for them) Comparing siblings can lead to ultimately resenting them and creating unhealthy bonds with them.
• Verbally abusive statements: You’re stupid, You’re incompetent, You’re useless.
• Threatening with abandonment — This is very common among parents who have toddlers. And the worst part is sometimes they do this just for fun. At the end of a visit how many of your drunk uncles and nosy aunties had asked to take your malli or nangi away? Me and my brother might be at each other’s throats every second but still, I would stab anyone who tries to take him away from me.
• Threatening with depriving them of their happiness — This might be the most common punishment or controlling method followed by almost every parental figure. Low grades? No tv, no phone, no going-out, no calls. Didn’t do the chores? No tv, no phone, no friends over, etc. Stomachache? No phone. Problems apparently disintegrate when you limit your kid’s happiness.
• Empty promises — “If you do this, I will get you that” but the failure to keep up the promise will over time cause the child to completely lose trust in the most important person in his life and this will go on to impact all of their future relationships as well. The beginning of a “trust issue” saga. Like the memes say, “Mom can we stop at Mcdonalds? No, we have food at home. *the food at home — parippu and rice*
• Blaming the child for the parent’s downfall and playing the victim card — we forget that parents are humans too and therefore they are dealing with their own battles and demons. But they have the choice to choose whether to pass this on to my child and traumatize him or to change. If you know you can’t change, you should not have a child, because they are not your punching bag( theoretically and metaphorically).
• Shutting down the kids when questioning or being curious — This is one of the worst things a parent or any elder can do to a growing child. Children are so curious about everything. Shushing them is like silencing them forever. I read about how a child was shushed for singing by her exhausted mother after a long workday and this affected her so much. Until her late 30s, she never had the courage to sing out loud. It’s the small things that make the biggest differences. The sole reason I never hug her/ hug her back (my mom) is that when she was pregnant with my brother I went for a hug, but perhaps because of her mood swings she shrugged me off, and the pain of being rejected as a child yearning for a hug was enough for me to never ever hug her again. Hence, little things, almost every little thing parents/parental figures do unintentionally or intentionally makes lasting impacts.
• Overly demanding — You got 99 for the paper and they would still fry your brains for that one mark you lost. Also known as tiger parenting. They push you to your boundaries until you break.
• Belittling you — Sometimes parents have a hard time seeing you as a grown adult even if you’re in your 40s. This negatively impacts when they mock your beliefs and wouldn’t let you make your own decisions. In their eyes, you will always be the nappy-wearing, thumb-sucking kid.

It is not just by these methods parents can mentally, emotionally, and psychologically fuck your brains, but also through very discreet and subtle ways that even you won’t notice.

• Smothering, overprotecting, creating the child fully dependable on the parents
• Role reversal — Where the eldest sibling has to take the responsibilities of being the mature one. ( This can happen due to many reasons, but it could really affect her and her childhood/youth)
• Good parent/ bad parent — Good in public, the evil behind closed doors. Only the child will experience the two shifts within the same person.
• Secret rivalry — when the parent sees the child as a rival.

To sum it up, parenthood is great. Great for those who know what they are getting into, before choosing to have children. Because of the society, we live in almost everyone is expected to have a stereotypical lifestyle. This is like a pre-programmed blueprint for all. You go to school, get a degree, get a job, get married, have kids, now tend your whole life to kids. For almost half of the living years or more, all a person do is study, get academic qualifications to improve their career life. There would be a short period where you can do as you wish and for some, it is straight to making babies after graduation. This is the life cycle we are used to, we are exposed to. We don’t know why we do it, but we do it anyway. Since this is what every tom and dick out there is doing, it is natural for people to romanticize this messed-up life. It is a bleak silver lining in a stormy cloud. But does that do justice to the unborn child? Who will have to face the same childhood trauma that was passed down for generations? I have rarely seen people take a step back to think if they are suitable, emotionally capable to raise children. The main deciding factors are usually finances, career, a place to live, etc. We are living in an era where children are essential to complete the term “family”. They are essential in a marriage. The concept of having children is like having pets or objects, it is very normalized. The depth of the responsibility is missing. This is by no means saying we are incapable of procreating. It’s a matter of ending generational toxic cycles. Challenging yourself to change for the better. Learn, grow and adapt. But this by no means bashing the parents we have, it is merely a learning process of trial and error. And on that note of parenting, I’m going to toot my own horn by stating elder sister’s too should earn a medal for taking on the acting role of mother, peacemaker, teacher, and occasional serial killer, and if that sister happens to have a younger brother, she should earn the Nobel Peace Prize and the patience prize (they should have one specifically for showcasing outstanding patience because younger brothers <<<< Younger sisters).

Ending with a quote under the comments section on a Tedx Talk on “How did your parents mess up?” — “My mother is a good role model…..She’s everything I don’t want to become.” ( Substitute “mother” to anyone in your life growing up).