“Not everyone is fit to be a parent in a society where parenthood is idealized, romanticized, and encouraged.”
Biologically speaking, parenthood and procreation are inevitable and substantial among humans and all living beings. This is what sustains a species and safeguard it from becoming extinct. This is the plight for most species excluding humans at present. The fear of going extinct should be not in humans’ minds but of the thousands of animals and plants driven to the brink of extinction daily by humans. Yet, here we are, multiplying by the very second at an unprecedented rate. So why do we, humans, have the dire need to breed? The answers could vary from “I love kids,” “We need to preserve our race/ethnicity,” “I need to pass down my family name,” “Just because that’s what’s expected of a person,” to the most cliche answer, “An investment, Who is going to take care of me when I’m older.” Even if you did ask your self as to why you would require a child of your own, did you question for a second is it because we, as humans, need to procreate because we are at the brink of extinction, or is it because this is what’s expected of you from the society? The intention of this is not to bash those who have children or to tell anyone the futility of the modernized social construct of the term “Family.” It’s mainly to reiterate how much we have deviated from the pragmatic purposes of producing or needing children to become creatures who follow an unintentionally established system in our society.
It is the norm for our grandparents’ generations to produce a lot of children. This was mainly due to two reasons. Firstly, they believed in the concept of large families; secondly, lack of understanding/availability of birth control. Though many people opt for various lifestyles, such as celibacy, adoption, not have children, etc., society is not ready to accept change just yet. At present, we have no concerns about humans falling into extinction, but on the contrary, we face a crisis with overpopulation. But, the segregated mentality within us — cultural, racial, ethnic differences-drives humans to preserve their race so as not to be outnumbered by another race. All of these analyses combined are sufficient to attest how much of a selfish act we play in parenthood’s romanticized ideology. This brings me to the central statement of the article, “Every child deserves parents, but not all parents deserve children.” The most cliche response I have seen most people give is, “I did not ask to be born, so why am I alive?” A pro-lifer might disagree with this statement, but there is a certain sense of truth to it. Hence why I call the current trend of having a family is solely on selfish desires. Each child’s life growing up in a family is different; therefore, this statement cannot be generalized. There’s an array of reasons why every woman under the sun is not fit to be a mother and why every man is not fit to be a father, yet our society expects everyone to be so. How is that going to work out?. Some children are born out of wedlock or through unfortunate circumstances, which leads them to be in foster care and face many hardships. Those classifications would not be addressed here as I solely focus on the parents who deliberately plan and produce kids. All of us were raised by a parent(s) or at least a parental figure. This could be a grandparent, elder sibling, relatives, or all of them, as some sayings say, “it takes a village to raise a child.” If you’re a younger sibling, congrats! You might have got parented by not just your parents but your older sibling(s) too.
At least in my case, I like to shove my little brother around as If I’m the shepherd, and he’s the sheep. Not all siblings might be able to relate to this (and I know that for a fact as I did a mini-survey and found out not everyone shares the same opinions on sibling relationships), but according to the psychology of birth order, the older sibling is generally more responsible and has mature attributes compared to the carefree, rebellious nature of a younger sibling. This is quite apparent in me and my brother’s relationship (apart from the significant age gap and him being a complete ass, and my constant longings to ship him off to Mars along with all the other younger brothers until they are of mature age). The survey I carried out gave an array of responses, which got me thinking about why and how these platonic relationships differ from person to person. Sibling relationships are one of the few ways one can examine to get an idea of how they are being raised inside a family, behind closed doors. Another way is the mentality of the individual. The various means he/she functions in public and private settings, their relationships with other people all reflect their upbringing — for example, extreme independence, the “lone wolf” attributes, fear of commitment, fear of relationships (platonic or love), interpersonal relationships, too much of secrecy or privacy, constant worry (over-analyzing), insecurities, anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, self-doubt, uncontrollable anger, weight gain, and weight loss, specific fears, insomnia, are all a few of the ways we as adults portray childhood unhealed trauma. “Unhealed” trauma is complex as the person might still be foreign to the fact that they have been affected by their childhood traumas or have not come to terms with solving them. There are several ways (by several, I mean so many ways) grown adults portray their unhealed childhood trauma. When I say trauma, do not misunderstand it for just the life-altering events in your life. But unhealed trauma can be caused by something as small as a simple yet powerful sentence like, “You are stupid.” One of the tragic ways adults suppress or hide their past, the feeling of nostalgia or even the pain, is through work. Workaholics, therefore, have a higher tendency to have a rough childhood. So, to bring the whole point of the narrative back to the present, Romanticizing parenthood is toxic for this core reason. Most childhood trauma is a product of the parent(s) or the parental figure, followed by childhood bullies. If the origin of a child’s upbringing is of a peaceful and healthy setting, there is a huge possibility for the child to push through all other obstacles with the help of his/her family. But when the main issue lies within the family itself, then the child becomes helpless. This is when the quote “Every child deserves a parent, but not all parents deserve a child” applies. Unfortunately, not every person is equipped to be a parent. This is what our society can’t understand. It shouldn’t be “do you want to raise a child?”; it should be “can you raise a child?”
Pulse.lk had two separate videos on parenting which was quite insightful. The two videos interviewed people of two social levels — one with affluent, well-educated celebrity figures and the other average citizens. The questions asked by both classes were quite similar, but the answers were like day and night. The interview with the celebrity figures addressed the necessity of being a good parental role model to the children, focusing more on their emotional development and well-being, giving them their desired freedom, and many more psychologically backed up parental hacks. The average citizen’s responses focused on the child’s education; “knowledge is power” centric thought process, and to make the child a good citizen. When questioned where they learned to parent, they stated they learned through their parents, people around them, and grandparents. In hindsight, there is nothing wrong with either one of these categories. Both groups want the best for their children. But here we see that how we learn to be a parent is through a parent, there is a higher chance of us making the same mistakes as they did because you were too busy making babies. This is where the generational toxicity is passed through. You and I both might be unaware of these generational cycles since we are subjected to see and feel them on a daily basis. But according to psychological studies on childhood trauma and what causes them, these are a few of the reasons,
- Parents who have gone through psychological distress are more likely to mistreat their children unintentionally. (Hence my theory on generational toxic cycles)
- Irrational and uneducated beliefs of parents hinder the opinions, growth, and freedom of children.
- Physical punishments — that leaves scars, bruises ( Some of you might say, “My mom, dad, and my whole ancestry used to hit me with everything, even with the polkatu handa, but I turned out fine. All I have to ask is, “ARE YOU OK?”)
- Unhealthy comparisons — Why can’t you be like you’re akka? Why can’t you be like nandage putha? The neighbor’s haraka works more than you! (tsk tsk it’s never enough for them) Comparing siblings can lead to ultimately resenting them and creating unhealthy bonds with them.
- Verbally abusive statements: You’re stupid, You’re incompetent, You’re useless.
- Threatening with abandonment — This is very common among parents who have toddlers. And the worst part is sometimes they do this just for fun. At the end of a visit how many of your drunk uncles and nosy aunties had asked to take your malli or nangi away? Me and my brother might be at each other’s throats every second but still, I would stab anyone who tries to take him away from me.
- Threatening with depriving them of their happiness — This might be the most common punishment or controlling method followed by almost every parental figure. Low grades? No tv, no phone, no going-out, no calls. Didn’t do the chores? No tv, no phone, no friends over, etc. Stomachache? No phone. Problems apparently disintegrate when you limit your kid’s happiness.
- Empty promises — “If you do this, I will get you that” but the failure to keep up the promise will over time cause the child to completely lose trust in the most important person in his life and this will go on to impact all of their future relationships as well. The beginning of a “trust issue” saga. Like the memes say, “Mom can we stop at Mcdonalds? No, we have food at home. *the food at home — parippu and rice*
- Blaming the child for the parent’s downfall and playing the victim card — we forget that parents are humans too and therefore they are dealing with their own battles and demons. But they have the choice to choose whether to pass this on to my child and traumatize him or to change. If you know you can’t change, you should not have a child, because they are not your punching bag( theoretically and metaphorically).
- Shutting down the kids when questioning or being curious — This is one of the worst things a parent or any elder can do to a growing child. Children are so curious about everything. Shushing them is like silencing them forever. I read about how a child was shushed for singing by her exhausted mother after a long workday and this affected her so much. Until her late 30s, she never had the courage to sing out loud. It’s the small things that make the biggest differences. The sole reason I never hug her/ hug her back (my mom) is that when she was pregnant with my brother I went for a hug, but perhaps because of her mood swings she shrugged me off, and the pain of being rejected as a child yearning for a hug was enough for me to never ever hug her again. Hence, little things, almost every little thing parents/parental figures do unintentionally or intentionally makes lasting impacts.
- Overly demanding — You got 99 for the paper and they would still fry your brains for that one mark you lost. Also known as tiger parenting. They push you to your boundaries until you break.
- Belittling you — Sometimes parents have a hard time seeing you as a grown adult even if you’re in your 40s. This negatively impacts when they mock your beliefs and wouldn’t let you make your own decisions. In their eyes, you will always be the nappy-wearing, thumb-sucking kid.
It is not just by these methods parents can mentally, emotionally, and psychologically fuck your brains, but also through very discreet and subtle ways that even you won’t notice.
- Smothering, overprotecting, creating the child fully dependable on the parents
- Role reversal — Where the eldest sibling has to take the responsibilities of being the mature one. ( This can happen due to many reasons, but it could really affect her and her childhood/youth)
- Good parent/ bad parent — Good in public, the evil behind closed doors. Only the child will experience the two shifts within the same person.
- Secret rivalry — when the parent sees the child as a rival.
To sum it up, parenthood is great. Great for those who know what they are getting into, before choosing to have children. Because of the society, we live in almost everyone is expected to have a stereotypical lifestyle. This is like a pre-programmed blueprint for all. You go to school, get a degree, get a job, get married, have kids, now tend your whole life to kids. For almost half of the living years or more, all a person do is study, get academic qualifications to improve their career life. There would be a short period where you can do as you wish and for some, it is straight to making babies after graduation. This is the life cycle we are used to, we are exposed to. We don’t know why we do it, but we do it anyway. Since this is what every tom and dick out there is doing, it is natural for people to romanticize this messed-up life. It is a bleak silver lining in a stormy cloud. But does that do justice to the unborn child? Who will have to face the same childhood trauma that was passed down for generations? I have rarely seen people take a step back to think if they are suitable, emotionally capable to raise children. The main deciding factors are usually finances, career, a place to live, etc. We are living in an era where children are essential to complete the term “family”. They are essential in a marriage. The concept of having children is like having pets or objects, it is very normalized. The depth of the responsibility is missing. This is by no means saying we are incapable of procreating. It’s a matter of ending generational toxic cycles. Challenging yourself to change for the better. Learn, grow and adapt. But this by no means bashing the parents we have, it is merely a learning process of trial and error. And on that note of parenting, I’m going to toot my own horn by stating elder sister’s too should earn a medal for taking on the acting role of mother, peacemaker, teacher, and occasional serial killer, and if that sister happens to have a younger brother, she should earn the Nobel Peace Prize and the patience prize (they should have one specifically for showcasing outstanding patience because younger brothers <<<< Younger sisters).
Ending with a quote under the comments section on a Tedx Talk on “How did your parents mess up?” — “My mother is a good role model…..She’s everything I don’t want to become.” ( Substitute “mother” to anyone in your life growing up).
Garisha Herath 